Complete and Total Bisch
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Thursday, October 4, 2018
"You're wild!" "What?" *Throws head back* "YOU'RE WIIIIILD!"
So, the Wild Card Game. It's always a weird feeling when you're at a win-or-die game, like you have to prepare yourself for a somber subway ride home with equally somber fans, and this usually takes place at a late hour and means you're going to be zombified at work the next day for Bummer Reasons. But there's also the 50/50 chance they'll win and it'll be delightful and that lack of sleep is a hundred percent worth it. Plus, as Steph put it last night and as I've mentioned before here, it's always preferable to be there in person because it's somehow less aggravating. Like, you don't have to put up with announcers you hate, or commercials that only increase your agita. The flip side is having to deal with people sitting around you who may or may not be obnoxious, but last night, that was hardly the case in our section.
Guys, it was a really, really good crowd last night. Loud as hell, engaged in the game and aware of the gravity of everything that was happening, no wave-doers, no one obnoxiously drunk in our section. The place pretty much exploded after Sevy's dominant top of the first, and even more so after Judge's homer. I hate how the TV broadcasts and even people's own recordings on phones never truly capture the volume of this stuff (it was the same with Didi's homer last year - I've yet to find footage of it that sounds as deafening as it was in person). I'd still rank last year's Wild Card crowd above this one, mostly because that ferocity came from a place of devastated-to-full-on-back-in-the-game. But last night's was the ideal crowd.
We were next to the auxiliary press seating, which was interesting because we got to overhear all the stats/notes the press gets on their little PA system. This helped when they'd announce who was throwing in the Yankees' bullpen, because that was our blind spot. I'm pretty sure I started grinding my teeth when Britton was announced, as I Don't Quite Fully Trust Him (or Chapman, for that matter. I'm not blinded by 102 MPH pitches, but that's just me), but all's well that ends well.
It was also nice to see the Yanks, you know, score when they had runners in scoring position. It was so efficient and satisfying. And Stanton's home run was maybe the most towering, majestic home run I've ever witnessed in person. It was so high, I lost track of it.
Did you Know? There's such a thing as a loofah plantation. Thanks, Erica.
Food of the Night: The chocolate-chip cookies Steph baked. Perfect for stress eating.
Quote of the Night: The guy behind us who screamed, "I REALLY MISSED THIS GUY" after Judge's home run. Understatement of the year.
Our next game is Monday, another potential elimination game, against the RED SOX. THAT won't be teeth-grindy or anything. Though I will say, I think I'm owed a decent game, since the last Yanks/Sox playoff matchup I saw in person was the GOD DAMN BLOODY SOCK GAME. While sick. In the rain.
Ahem, baseball gods. Ahem.
Saturday, September 1, 2018
"Hot" Takes and Hot Takes
Before the game started, Tonya and I were wandering around, waiting for the gates to open, lamenting the heat Aaron Boone is taking when his team has won EIGHTY FOUR GAMES WITH A MONTH LEFT TO PLAY. Anyway, speaking of heat, I confessed to T that the only time I've considered Boone "hot" was when ESPN was trying to make the Yankees take that Sunday night game in Toronto the day before the double header in Baltimore. ESPN was all, "It's locked in the schedule," and Boone was all, "Unlock it" and thus I had to fan myself over a gentleman giving his former employer the what-for.
Anyway, fast-forward to the 5th inning last night, the Yanks are down, they don't even have a hit, the four of us are trying to find some silver lining, and all of a sudden a significant rustle goes through the crowd. Since we're on the first base side, we don't see much going on dugout-wise, so we don't understand what the deal is until Boone storms out of the dugout and gets all up in the umpire's face. BOOM. The crowd is completely nuts for this. And then, then, Boone goes all Inside the Actor's Studio behind the plate (from our angle, it looked like he was holding his arms out and measuring home plate sarcastically, but then we watched the video and realized he was crouching like a catcher and holy shit). Girardi used to tap into this sort of "use my anger as your inspiration" thing and would usually get good results out of it - and it totally worked last night for Boone. Three dingers in the next inning! Four runs! Lead taken! Metaphorical roof blown off the place! Because the manager lost his shit! Yeah, that definitely also qualifies as hot.
Rawr? Rawr.
One of those aforementioned home runs was hit by Mr. Brett Gardner, who's been taking some flak for his lack of production of late. Apparently, this is a sign of his age, if the 24-year-olds on Twitter with hot takes are running the narratives. (Like, Gleyber or Didi can slump for a prolonged period, and it's, you know, just because they're slumping, because they were not born in the Flashdance era, I guess). "Set off Gardy on an ice floe" seems to be the hottest take of late and I don't know if it's my own age or the fact that the guy has been a team spark plug FOR TEN YEARS or what, but I'm not really here for it. I was relaying all this to an equally horrified Erica, and pointed out "Like, with old age comes wisdom." To which she replied, "THAT'S RIGHT!" When he later doubles and starts the rally that gives them back the lead in the 8th, I declare that, "He ran like he was going to cash his Social Security check!" And Steph calls him "OMG," or "Old Man Gardner," repurposing our former nickname from Old Man Jeter. Like, don't bash a guy we like, people. We will lean hard into the sarcasm.
Gardy, not listening to them thar Twitter haterz.
Anyway, when Gleyber drives in the go-ahead run, it's suddenly Gleyber Day Weekend, dousing the hot flames of my dislike for Britton and whatever it is he's doing by getting the Yankees into scrapes that the lineup must valiantly save him from...Jesus effing Christ, it's like an episode of Outlander or something every time he comes in. We get a win, Tonya gets to go home with a happy Stadium memory, gifts for her Yankee fan children (sidebar: her 8-year-old daughter recently requested her softball jersey number be changed from 2 to 99 and I think my brain and heart simultaneously exploded upon hearing that), and a bobblehead for herself. My guess is Gardy gets a place of honor in her home. AS IT SHOULD BE.
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
KB's Top 80s Songs, Pt. 4
10. Drive, The Cars - I will sometimes sing this, sarcastically, when the Yankees leave runners on base (Who's gonna drive you home tonight, Miguel Andujar, all stranded there on second base?), but it's one of the most lovely "sad" songs of the 80s, and therefore I like it un-sarcastically too.
9. Let's Dance, David Bowie - If you guessed that this made it onto the list because it's a - wait for it - summer song, you're right! It's actually one of the first songs I associate with summer, probably because in 1983 I'd just finished that back-breaking effort that is kindergarten and appreciated having some much deserved "me time," and thus helped me distinguish the awesomeness of summer vs. the slog of the school year.
8. Separate Ways, Worlds Apart, Journey - My biggest, far-out-there wish would be to do a shot-by-shot recreation of this video...with the Yankee Chicken and his friends. This would likely take months and, oh, alienate me from a lot of people (I can picture many of you slooowwwwwly stepping away from the crazy lady and stuffed chicken with a fake mullet). Anyway, say what you will about the video (and there's lots to be said since it is epic in ALL ways), but this song is bad-ass.
7. Don't Dream It's Over, Crowded House - Melancholy never sounded so good. I am also physically incapable of getting sick of this song.
6. I Melt With You, Modern English - How this only peaked at 78 on the Billboard Hot 100 is mind-boggling. But this was in a time when there was some really odd soft-rock stuff going on - a post-disco hangover, I guess - and maybe America wasn't really ready for it yet.
5. Fresh, Kool and the Gang - You're probably like, "KB, you only put this song this high because they're from Jersey City," and I'm like, "Uh, do you have ears? This song is freaking good." (It's a particularly good walking song, if you're into those. And even better when you're walking through Jersey City!)
4. Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Tears for Fears - I feel like Shout was the inescapable TFF song in 1985, but this one still holds up so well. "Welcome to your life, there's no turning back" is a most evergreen opening statement that there could be.
3. Kyrie, Mr. Mister
1980s KB: I don't know what this song means but I think it's religious and it hit number one right before I'm receiving my first communion, so I'm taking this as a personal shoutout.
21st Century KB: The key change toward the end is basically life-affirming and everything that's great about 80s music.
2. Your Love, The Outfield - Before this was co-opted by 20something frat boys - who weren't even alive when this was released - on drunken nights out, this was, yep, an EXCELLENT summer song. If space aliens who have the technology to come to Jersey City but not to, like, research our history were to land on my roof and be like, "What did the 80s sound like?" I'd play them this. And then try to explain to them why summer songs are usually >>>> than songs from any other time of year.
1. Easy Lover, Philip Bailey and Phil Collins - Yes, this is THE best song of the entire decade. In my mind. You can air-guitar AND air-drum to it. You've got the EWF/Genesis crossover. The harmonies are killer and it's sung with complete conviction (this lady is going to ruin your damn life if you don't heed the warning of Philip and Phil, guys). The video is a goofy "behind-the-scenes" jaunt that I distinctly remember being riveted by as a kid (I'd post it but the song is weirdly sped up, so sad trombone on that). Like, this song is an EVENT. Nay, this song is a motherf***ing GIFT. Got a hold on you, believe it INDEED.
Friday, August 24, 2018
KB's Top 80s Songs Pt. 3
19. Faith, George Michael - I loved how peppy this song was when I was a kid, but as an adult I appreciate the "don't stay with someone who treats you like crap just because they're hot - there's someone better out there" message. Also, I'm still really not quite over George Michael dying so young. And, uh, speaking of...
18. So Emotional, Whitney Houston
1980s KB: I make my Barbie and the Rockers play this song! Whitney Houston is so great! She's from New Jersey!
21st Century KB: *is sad*
17. Something About You, Level 42 - Another one of my many "this is a summer song and seemingly played endlessly at the beach circa June/July 1986, and therefore it's a good song" songs.
16. Heaven, Bryan Adams - Ah, one of the 80s' more perfect power ballads, resplendent in all its "I was the prom theme AT SO MANY HIGH SCHOOLS glory." Sidebar: Let's talk about how people drag power ballads and it's like, "Yeah, man, how dumb that a song incorporates longing and earnest feelings and big production?" The condescending undertone of that is "Chicks like this stuff, so how could it possibly be taken seriously? Even though I'll listen to some beanie-clad emo guy with a creaky voice sing creakily about lost love with just his acoustic guitar and it was recorded while standing in his cat's litter box AND IT'S ART." *side eye* /sidebar. Anyway, it's great. But I can't rank it higher than number 15 because...
15. Faithfully, Journey ...it was literally inspired by this song. Maybe the granddaddy of 80s power ballads, and I will fight anyone who 1) ranks the great but done-to-death Don't Stop Believin' ahead of this and/or 2) doesn't have Steve Perry in their top vocalist lists. (You're just very, very wrong if you don't, is all I'm saying. *cracks knuckles*).
14. You're The One For Me, D Train - My mom had this album, complete with amazing cover - an album that's now in my possession since I'm the one with a record player - and it might be the best still-hanging-onto-disco-even-in-1981 song out there. I will also never not think of it when taking the subway to and from Yankee games.
13. Everything She Wants, Wham! - Another spring 85 song, but I actually associate this with late spring 86, returning from a third grade field trip on a school bus, it being one of the first really warm days of the year, this song playing on the bus driver's radio. We got home before the end of the school day and rather than bring us inside, the teachers let us spend the rest of the afternoon on the playground. I guess I associate Wham! with soon-to-be-summer playground feelings and putting the teachers in a good enough mood to let that happen.
12. Tempted, Squeeze - This might be one of most-played songs on my iPod (yes, I still have one) and yet I only recently discovered it's Paul Carrack singing lead. And also singing lead on Mike and the Mechanics' Silent Running and The Living Years. And Ace's How Long, another never-skip song. (I knew Don't Shed a Tear for me, at least). Like, where the hell have I been?
11. Give Me the Night, George Benson - This is one of the first songs I ever remember hearing on the radio, a song I associate with, like, my mom watching Donahue and Sasson jeans commercials. Basically, it just sounds like 1980 to me, and love it.
Sunday, August 19, 2018
KB's Top 40 80s Songs, Pt. 2
29. You'll Accompany Me, Bob Seger - I remember when my parents upgraded our stereo system in 1982 or 1983 to one lacking an eight-track player (boooooooo) and my dad playing Bob Seger on the new turntable. This song will always remind me of the smell of new speakers (it's a good smell, I promise)...and all the really awesome Smurf toys my parents bought me that day. This is the important content you guys come here for, I know.
28. Every Little Step, Bobby Brown - My go-to karaoke song. No, really.
27. Dancing With Myself, Billy Idol - This is basically the equivalent of musical caffeine. Also known as a waker-upper.
26. Crazy For You, Madonna - This is one of six songs on this list from spring 1985 (five were in the May 25, 1985 countdown, maybe my most favorite AT40 ever - it includes the crazy "I dated a firefighter who was secretly married while he was dating me, but I married him anyway" Long Distance Dedication), which pretty much rivals only summer 1984 for "greatest musical season of the 80s" in my mind. It's my favorite Madonna song, and my wish for, like, the past five years was to use this song in a YA book I envisioned set in the 80s when one character realizes she has feelings for another...and then GLOW (you know, that show you should all be watching) went and did preeeeeetty much the same thing, and I can't even be mad, because it was perfect (every music cue on that show is perfect, but I digress).
25. Dancing In the Dark, Bruce Springsteen - Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone thinks this is one of Bruce's weakest songs, but it's summer 84, you're 7, this song is on the radio all the time (along with When Doves Cry and Ghostbusters), and Bruce lives two towns over (seriously, a celebrity you've known about since basically birth thinking your area is cool enough to live in is really exciting to a kid), and you sometimes pass his house on the way to the beach. This song, therefore, IS summer and I can never hate on it. Especially since as an adult, "I'm sick of sittin' 'round here tryin' to write this book" has become one of my go-to lines when fed up with trying to, uh, write any book.
24. Goody Two Shoes, Adam Ant - I remember watching this video when I was like, 6, and being like "I don't know what's going on, but being a grown-up in England seems fun?" This is also one of the best walking songs, which I'm sure is exactly what Adam Ant was going for.
23. And We Danced, the Hooters - This song is the musical version of a natural high. Also known as instant-good-mood-putter.
22. Alone, Heart - One of the definitive 80s power ballads, one of the "never skip" songs when it comes up on shuffle. Ann Wilson's voice is just SICK.
21. Dance Hall Days, Wang Chung - Another song from summer 1984, and another "no-skip" song. I prefer it vastly to Everybody Have Fun Tonight, so there.
20. Tonight, Kool and the Gang
1980s KB: SOLID GOLD RULES! THIS SONG RULES!
21st Century KB: Just wait till you're living in the same city Kool and the Gang originated! And yes to everything above.
Friday, August 17, 2018
KB's Top 40 80s Songs, Pt. 1
ANYWAY. Before this starts getting too defensive, I give you - with a hat tip to my beloved American Top 40 minus the Long Distance Dedications and general Casey Kasem charm - my No. 40-30.
40. New York, New York, Frank Sinatra - Yes, the Sinatra version was released in 1980 and since it got to No. 32, it's actually been featured in a legit American Top 40 countdown (Casey Kasem and the music of Old Blue Eyes is the crossover you never knew you needed -- if you're a Yankees fan obsessed with 80s music, anyway). It is, for obvious Yankee Stadium-related reasons, very close to my heart and I would not make ANY top 40 list without it.
39. Take My Heart, Kool and the Gang - The day I closed on my condo -- which did not come easy, complete with getting laid off five days before my closing but getting saved by my old job taking me back. I probably would've lost the condo otherwise, and given that I'd been close with another unit that fell through near the finish line a few months earlier, I was, well...edgy -- I walked home from the lawyer's office very carefully over sheets of ice and through pelting sleet, got home to my rental where the heat wasn't working, and cranked this up by Jersey City's finest production, Kool and the Gang.
38. Caught Up In You, .38 Special - This song just radiates joy.
37. Endless Summer Nights, Richard Marx - You're like "Oh god, spare me the cheese, KB," and I'm all "Screw you, this is AWESOME."
36. Let's Groove, Earth Wind and Fire - I don't trust people who don't like EWF. Tonya and I had the pleasure of seeing them in concert a couple of years ago and they are STILL incredible. This song is the very definition of delightful and if you don't even merely tap your foot or bop your head to it (I prefer chair dancing, TBH), I think you might be missing a soul.
35. One Step Up, Bruce Springsteen - I've never been divorced or on the verge of it, but this song makes me feel like I have. In a good way! If there can be a good way via empathy!
34. Save a Prayer, Duran Duran
1980s child KB: This song is boring.
21st century adult KB: Shut up, and go watch The Get Along Gang or something, pipsqueak.
33. We Are the World, USA For Africa - Guys. GUYS. This song. If you weren't alive and an impressionable age in 1985, I don't know that it carries the same weight but let me tell you, as an 8-year-old, this song with all its MTV heavyweights being earnest as all get-out, was the end all be all. I remember leaving school late one day because our principal was awesome enough to roll out the old AV club TV/VCR combo and let us kids watch it in the hallway. And I know exactly where I was (the traffic light where Sycamore Ave. meets Hwy. 35 in Shrewsbury NJ, with my equally-captivated-by-the-song BFF Brian in the backseat of his mom's car as she drove us around that day), when the worldwide simulcast happened on Good Friday 1985. In present-day, this has become a large-group karaoke birthday party staple (I'm from Monmouth County and therefore get to be Bruce by default, just to FYI).
32. PYT, Michael Jackson - If you were a child in the 80s, Thriller can basically do no wrong, especially because it's probably the first MAJOR pop culture thing in your memory (at least, in mine) and also because the entire album is iconic. "Thriller" will always be the gold standard for music videos in my book and I still can't believe the song never got past No. 4 in the Hot 100 (WHAT), but this is my favorite track off the album.
31. I Can't Wait, Nu Shooz - This is one of those songs I don't actually have downloaded anywhere, but whenever it comes on, I crank it up.
30. Out in the Street, Bruce Springsteen - If there's a better 80s song that encapsulates a summer Friday, well, you can keep it.
Thursday, August 16, 2018
Sunday, August 5, 2018
Musings While Watching an ESPN Game
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
*Dusts Off Keyboard* *Flexes Fingers* *Tries To Remember How to Write About Game Experience*
No, really, there's not much that tops this. (And since we're playing blog catch-up, just want to mention we were there for young Gleyber's first home run back in May, which was also a game they won on a walk-off Andujar single, and also Aaron Judge Jedi bobblehead/Star Wars night and therefore might be the most eventful game this season.)
(FLASHBACK: May the Fourth was with Gleyber, y'all)
It was nice to see the Yanks 1) actually beat the Orioles, because COME ON and 2) do well offensively with Judge and Sanchez down. This is a potent lineup when it's on, and an absolute joy to watch when the switch is flipped. I still have reservations about some of the pitching, however, but we'll see.
We were also still trying to wrap our heads around all the trade deadline stuff, including Austin's exit, which led to Quote of the Night honors for Erica (who was "bleeding internally" from her deep-tissue massage): "He had anger issues, yes. He just needed more hugs."
Unrelated to on-the-field play, one of my favorite additions to the "game experience" is 80s in the 8th, where an 80s tune is played and I feel very seen and understood by the Yankee scoreboard operators. Last night was Keep On Loving You by REO Speedwagon, which is great, but I'll fight anyone with my hot take that Take It On the Run is the superior REO song. But not as superior as El DeBarge's Rhythm of the Night, which was the choice a few weeks ago and Steph and I basically karaoke'd our way through the entire thing (okay, we karaoke to a lot of songs. Keep that up, Yankee Stadium scoreboard operators. We like you.)
"Bring-the-Blog-Back Clap-Clap Clap-Clap-Clap-Clap."
This post is dedicated to my season ticket crew, who have been asking for the blog to be reopened, and actually started chanting the title of this post at last night's game.
A few updates, since last we met, it was, a, uh, different time.
I'm now a home owner. After feeling discouraged (see the last post I - er, the Yankee Chicken - ever did here), I managed to find a place in my price range that I didn't need a six-figure salary or a husband to afford. Props to my accountant who planted the seed of homeownership - I lived for years thinking I could never do it on a copy editor's salary and he was all, "Hey, as a first-time home-buyer, you can take up to $10K from your 401K or IRA to buy a place." And since first-time homebuyers don't need to put down 20 percent, well, hell, yeah, I wanted in! Thankfully, I got into my neighborhood while it was still "cheap." I don't think I could afford it now.
I couldn't really blog much the past few years because I've been perpetually working on novels...that end up not going anywhere. But still, my time was eaten up pretty mightily, and still might be because I literally have TWENTY THREE ideas I want to work on. If I can't write, I can't breathe, so there's that. And if you're interested in reading something of mine, I've got my book Home Ick on Swoon Reads. It's free, if you want to leave comments/feedback/help a gal get published.
YANKEE STUFF:
(Mine's Didi. Post-game Tweets = self-explanatory)
2017 was one of the best years for games I've attended. Not only did I get to see the 9-1 comeback in April, I got to be at three playoff games, one being the Wild Card game, in which the Stadium energy was off-the-charts bat shit. I've never been at a playoff game where the fans were just basically coursing with this manic, fierce glee and ready to explode for all nine innings. Didi's home run to tie the game at 3 was unreal. The whole thing was incredible.
Sweet Pea the cat sadly passed away at 17 last year. She had some kidney issues, which required me TO GIVE HER AN IV every other day, which was AWESOME for a needlephobe, but, hey, this is pet ownership. She was a good cat.
The new addition is Clarence the cat. He likes to take things out of the bathroom trash and play with them, and also has his own Instagram account. He thinks he's a model. He might be?
I thank whatever god made it so that retro American Top 40 countdowns are still happening on weekends (so Tonya and I can commiserate on our 80s favorites AND insane Long Distance Dedications, like when the woman was dating the firefighter against her father's wishes, only to find out like a year into the relationship that THE FIREFIGHTER IS MARRIED AND YET THEY STILL END UP TOGETHER AND KENNY ROGERS' THROUGH THE YEARS IS SOMEHOW THE SONG SHE WANTS TO DEDICATE TO HIM. WHAT.) and that there's a 24/7 iHeart Radio channel devoted to it. I also broke down and got a SiriusXm subscription and OMG, it's the best thing I "buy" every month.
My TV show diet has weirdly flipped and I'm barely watching any dramas right now (Better Call Saul, Game of Thrones and Poldark are about it. I MISS YOU MAD MEN), and it's mostly all comedies. Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Dear White People, Younger, One Day at a Time and GLOW (if you aren't watching this WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GET ON THAT) are my current faves. I've adjusted to the phenomenon of binge-watching, just because I want to avoid spoilers, but I deep down wish every show could be parceled out the old-school way of once a week. But I'm just an old ass, what do I know?
Sunday, August 24, 2014
The Yankee Chicken Seeks a New Nest
The Yankee Chicken loves the shoe box he rents. But sometimes, he wishes the shoe box had a little more storage.
And sometimes, he gets design inspiration and wishes he could put up crown molding over Mo, Andy and OMJ and take the sheet rock off above the fireplace to expose the brick. And sometimes, he thinks it'd be cool to have the money he's spending in rent go to something that will become a nice investment. Maybe I could buy my own shoe box, The Yankee Chicken muses. He knows he doesn't have the budget of, say, a Derek Jeter. Or even that of some bench guy who only fills in at second base every now and then. But he might be able to pull it off if he ventures into another neighborhood, and makes his commute to The Good Luck Bringing Corporation slightly longer.
So The Yankee Chicken enlists his good friend The Real Estate Broker Chicken to help his search. He tells the Broker Chicken his wants: A neighborhood that's safe for single chickens to walk home alone at night (he works late hours bringing luck to the Yankees, after all); something that needs a little renovating so he can put his own spin on it; a place big enough to have a karaoke party with the entire Yankee 25-man roster (40-man roster, if it's September)... or at least big enough to do yoga without breaking delicate heirlooms mid-stretch.
The first box The Real Estate Broker Chicken shows The Yankee Chicken is more of a lean-to, but has the location The Yankee Chicken is looking for. "I wish it had four walls but it's well-maintained," says The Yankee Chicken. "How much is the maintenance fee?" The Real Estate Broker Chicken studies the listing sheet. "Approximately the amount of money Derek Jeter gets for one at-bat." The Yankee Chicken feels a wave of disappointment wash over him, much like that time Mariano Rivera gave up that game-winning hit in the World Series (though slightly less intense). "That would be stretching my budget," The Yankee Chicken sighs. "I already live pretty simply, but this would mean giving up the YES Network and eating cereal for every meal. I sort of like nutrition."
So The Real Estate Broker Chicken shows The Yankee Chicken a fantastic shipping box, much bigger than his current place, right in the neighborhood The Yankee Chicken desires, making his optimism come rushing back. "I love this shipping box," The Yankee Chicken says. "The maintenance is fair (it already includes taxes and utilities!) and even the wall decor is amazing! What do I have to do to get this one?"
"It's a co-op - not to be confused with a coop, which we are both familiar with living in. The hyphen makes all the difference," The Real Estate Broker Chicken says. "For this one, you would have to use your entire hard-earned savings as a downpayment. And you'd maybe have to offer a blood sacrifice to the head of the co-op board, who is a Mets fan." And just like that, the Mariano Rivera Blowing the World Series feeling comes rushing back. "I am just a first-time box buyer and was hoping to only put about 10 percent down," laments the Yankee Chicken. "I do not like this idea of a coop with a hyphen."
Finally, The Yankee Chicken and The Real Estate Broker Chicken visit an open box in a neighborhood next to the Yankee Chicken's current area. It has a low asking price and low maintenance, and even if there was a drug deal going down on the front steps when The Yankee Chicken came in, it's something that can belong to The Yankee Chicken and not to a Landlord Who's Only Going to Kick Him Out to Renovate His Apartment and Rent It Out to 20-Somethings Whose Parents Are Footing the Bill Because Well-Established Parents Are the Only People Who Can Afford Ridiculous Rent.
But it's all for naught, because eleven of the sixteen dual-income couples also looking at the open box declare that they are putting an offer in, and a bidding war breaks out right there in front of the single-income Yankee Chicken, who goes in search of the drug dealer, because he thinks he might need a second career to supplement his income if he's ever going to get a piece of the American Dream.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
And Your Chicken Can Sing
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Cluckle-head
The Yankee Chicken was here to tell you that Pitchers and Catchers are now a month away, but he got too busy falling over from laughter due to Thumper and CC's visit to Jimmy Fallon last night. He thinks it now ranks amongst the likes of Old Man Jeter (and dressed-in-drag David Cone and David Wells) on SNL, Paul O'Neill on Seinfeld and Don Mattingly on The Simpsons. Not that he is old enough to remember Don Mattingly or his facial hair issues, but he hears it was the height of hilarity back in Olden Times.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
My Chicken is More Well-Read Than Yours
Whoops, you caught the Yankee Chicken at an inopportune time - he claims he was reading my short story in the magazine, but really he was trying to figure out what loom bracelet he is. Also: Deducing if we have the materials to make a pom-pom scarf. But before he gets all crafty, he wants to dole out the important news first. And then try to figure out what size necks all the Yankees have so he can help keep them warm in April.