So, what with this whole Kirk Cameron seeming kind of, uh, not-so-sitcom-y lately, I feel like an exceptionally wise preteen for not being gaga over him, like pretty much all of my peers were. Like, let me high-five you, 9-year-old KB for not falling for that.
But it made me think about why I didn't like him back then. Objectively, he was cute. But Mike Seaver was kind of a wise-ass, which I've never really had time for. In fact, looking back on it, most of my TV character crushes were guys who I would want to be friends with (because the whole lusty part is completely missing when you're a kid, even if you can sort of appreciate good eye candy as a tyke), and a lot of their traits are things I still look for in a guy today to some degree. So let me go a little nuts here and expose the inner-workings of my younger self when it came to the laws of attraction. Although it should be noted that pretty much every one of these guys came from shows with
the best theme songs ever, so maybe that's what was swaying me. Anyhow:
KB's Most Crush-Worthy TV Characters of All-Time (Or at Least of My Childhood), Bitchez.
Bo Duke, The Dukes of Hazzard:
Reasons to like him: He slid through the windows of his car to get in it, which is the height of attractiveness to a 4-year-old. Also: Was involved with lots of kid-understandable hijinks with his equally cute cousin, Luke, though the fact that Bo did the bulk of the driving may have tipped the scales in his favor. (Note: If this show were on today, I'd prefer Luke. I rarely like blonds these days and driving is highly overrated since I can do it myself now.)
Jack Tripper, Three's Company:
Reasons to like him: Goofy to the nth. Clumsy, which is sheer hilarity to a 3-4-year-old - I mean, do not underestimate the power of a pratfall to a child. Could cook, which, well, what woman doesn't like that about a guy at any age?
Mork, Mork and Mindy:
Reasons to like him: Off-the-wall, nearly manic goofy. Proooooobably not something I'd like in my later years for sure. But at age 4? The perfect man. Also: Colorful suspenders.
Kip & Henry, Bosom Buddies:
Reasons to like them: They were adorable (Henry was practically my height!) and hilarious
and dressed like women. I guess the whole desperateness of creative professionals needing cheap rent was something I understood long before I had to.
Face, The A-Team:
Reasons to like him: He was the token hot guy (although, to be fair, my older self understands George Peppard's appeal. Cigars and a headful of white hair is kind of a turn off to a 7-year-old, though) of a group who spent at least part of the show building awesome things to destroy mean people's sinister plots. And like the rest of the A-Team, he didn't actually kill anyone despite being an elite military person or whatever. (It should be noted that I had at least two
A-Team coloring/activity books and a flashlight. I was devoted and I wasn't even the target demographic, y'all.)
Angus MacGyver, MacGyver:
Reasons to like him: WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? Seriously. Do I really need to explain this? If you didn't watch the show and don't know what I'm talking about, I feel sorry for you.
Peter Tork, The Monkees:
Reasons to like him: Goofy (you're seeing a theme here, right?) and the most innocent guy on a highly innocent show. Dimples. Wore bunny pajamas - in public - and thus awesome.
Joe & Brian Hackett, Wings:
Reasons to like them: At this point, I was hitting my teen years, so I was able to discern the characters from the real men (Like, I was in remedial math, but I was doing okay in the whole separation of fantasy vs. reality thing. At least, I think I was...), but I feel the need to give a shout-out here anyway, since they are probably the comeliest on-screen brothers, like, ever. I mean, they flew planes. Yes, they were Red Sox fans, due to their Nantucket locale, but it's forgivable due to their incessant hotness.
I have since matured enough to the point where as charming as the characters are, it's the actors I know are doing all the work to make that happen. Though, I will be real here:
If
Friday Night Lights' Matt Saracen were an actual person, I'd high-tail it down to Texas, crazy age difference (exacerbated by the fact that a guy in his 20s is playing a teen) be damned. Seriously the most KB-crushworthy character on my TV in my adult years. Le swoon.
