Tonight, in celebration of my Weekend of Introvertedness, I am going to attempt to live blog Jersey Shore Shark Attack. I'm pretty sure it's not supposed to be taken seriously. Still, that does not mean I can't have an opinion of how my home territory is portrayed.
- We open learning that the Dolan Beach Club and Spa and its drilling is responsible for unleashing the red-eyed, albino sharks onto the unsuspecting Jersey Shore crowd. My best friend's married name is Dolan. Thanks, Amy. Your in-laws ruined the summer for everyone.
- Oh, the accents are terrible. I mean, I know these things exist (not on me or anyone I know, but I watch the news), but there is nothing worse than a fake "Joisey" accent. As in, when you're shoving your one-night stand out and she's all "Dis is the bailcony!" What?
- And we hit geographical error No. 1 when there's an establishing shot of "the shore"... with a bunch of pelicans perched on some rocks.
But yes, I'll suspend my disbelief for red-eyed, albino mutant sharks.
- Oh, and now there's some smarmy preppy college types. S***'s gonna get real in a second. Except, sidebar - these guys are usually WEBS/BENNIES too. Locals hate them as much as they hate the guidos.
- "What are you going to do grease monkey, bench-press us?" Yup. Real.
- Seriously, is the Atlantic on quaaludes? The waves are nonexistent.
- When a guy is described as doing the "broad stroke" as a swimmer in high school... is that a mistake or a joke? Oh, movie, you're melting my brain.
- I do love that the "Guidos" say "drownded." I am adding that to my lexicon.
- "Cawmplicated." Ugh, stop making me defend the real "Joisey" accent, movie!
- Oh, the police chief has been tasked with making Seaside Heights "live up to its potential." I'll leave that one alone.
-Special Guest Star Joey Fatone is so going to get eaten by a red-eyed albino shark.
- He does, and it's actually pretty hilarious. I mean, he did insult Seaside. Only locals are allowed to do that.
- Oh, a harpoon gun shown in Paulie Walnuts' bar in act one will surely...well, you know.
- I don't know, guys. There's only 55 minutes left for the Guidos and Preppies to unite and kill the red-eyed, albino sharks.
- ANOTHER PELICAN. This is what happens when you let a Californian do the fact-checking. Or at least someone from another state who just doesn't care to fact-check.
- "An intentional, vicious kill." That's the police chief's depiction of Joey Fatone's untimely death. I guess the sharks are really psycho BSB fans still intent on keeping a decade-old rivalry alive?
- The mayor just declared that people drown in Seaside every holiday weekend. Somehow I don't think that's quite accurate...
- If actors portraying preppy people are among the a**holes who don't know how to drive boats around the real Jersey Shore, it would explain a lot.
- The police chief stands firmly, well-ensconced on shore while imploring a mass of hysterical humanity to get out of the shark-infested water. BRAVE.
- Oh! They grabbed the harpoon gun! And after beachgoers from "Sandy Hook to Beach Haven" have been warned away from the beaches. But the rest of the Jersey beaches? Well, I guess they're "Jersey Strong" or something.
- How is the middle of the ocean called "The Cove"? And it's supposedly a hot spot for revelers? Okay, okay, turning my brain off...
- Only 17 minutes for the Preppies and Guidos to start working together. I dunno, guys, it's not looking good.
- Finally, with five minutes left, Preppies and Guidos, side-by-side with guns, taking out the menace that is red-eyed albino sharks that are only drawn to the surface by construction noise. As God intended.
- And the harpoon gun goes off in act III, complete with Jaws rip-off dialogue.
- So the moral to this story is to be nice to BENNIES/WEBS because they may save me from terrible CGI someday. Okay, I'll think about it.
- I wonder if this is how Venetians felt after seeing Shark in Venice?
